If Only
by angel-death-dealer
Summary: Kate watches Jack, and longs for him to know what's going through her mind. Major JATE alert! Kate's POV. ONESHOT


Yes, I do love you, it's true, I admit it, there's no one in my life that's ever been as special as you. I have given you my heart to love adn to hold. Please know that my words are honest, and please, I'm begging you, don't leave my heart broken. I am letting you go, now and forever. Shall I take my heart back to get over you, or allow you a piece of it to take with you?

You make my life complete now, more than ever. After being with you all day, I can go to sleep and think how much we belong. All these new feelings and emotions come rushing in - sometimes I swim, but usually I feel like I'm drowning. Now I understand the reason for these: I have fallen in love with you.

I get so happy around you, people must notice. I get all these new feelings because of you. I know that I'm in love with you. All these emotions are new, scary, and overwhelming, but I feel privileged to know what love it. I guess this is one more experience for me to take back home into each next day. Too late, my heart was sure to break the moment it began to bear for you, to let go of all I've held on to, to let you know what I love you is what I want to to, but to lose you altogther - I couldn't handle it. I only want to live without you if I'm forced to.

Each day you are all I think about, and for some reason I can't get you out of my head. I've found that person, the one I can't stop thinking about, the one that makes me get butterflies in my stomach, who makes my time stop and the one that when I'm with them, I feel like the whole world and my life is perfect. Now that's special, and, yeah, I'm glad for a part in that love. All I want is to give my life fully to you, but you cannot let fo of something that you love, people say they can and that they will get over someone, but don't believe them, it's a lie. People can never really get over something that they have loved with all their heart at one point.

Without you, I don't know where to go, or what to do. I know we've both had some good times, and now they habe their own hiding place. Like when we were both drunk that time, I wasn't afraid to hold you, touch you, look after you, and you weren't afraid to show your feelings. But now I want to look after you everyday, and I want to be Ok with touching you all the time. I need you to tell me you love me all the time, not just when we're drunk. I want us to be able to say it around other people, whenever we like. What would it take for you to see how much I am in love with you? Do you know? Have you figured me out? If you have, I'm really sorry to put you through all this with me. I know it must be confusing and unfair because you can't offer me more than a friendship, and I understand.

Late at night I reach to hold you tight, but you're not there. I want to lie down, and die like my heart has, but I can't, my body won't let me, so I push on, spending time with you every day. Sometimes I can treasure it, but sometimes I hate it, because I'm scared of what I think I might do - What if I do beak down, and just grab you, push my lips to yours, and take you? How could something to wonderful and amazing as our friendship, turn into something that I could learn to hate? I hate it because it's so good, and I hearly have it, but if I can't have all of you, is it easier to have none of you?

How can I get over you, when the only one I want to dry my tears, heal my wounds, fix my heart, the only who who can, is you, the one causing it. Maybe love can change slightly, or slow down, but it can never diminish. Love is the strongest feeling in the world for me, it's taught me endless lessons, through you, but I can't see to learn how to deal with the whole thing. I've learned how to do it around you, around others, but when I'm alone, I still feel trapped and lost in my own feelings, like I don't understand myself anymore. Being without you is making me ill, stressing me out, I don't feel right anymore. I'm scared to love now, because love just causes pain. I just wish the one for me would walk down my lane. I want someone to hug on at night when I am all alone. Someone like you, who I am allowed to have. But can it ever happen?

You know all my secrets, and I know all yours. All the troubles we've been through only made us stronger, tighter. We've battled alongside each other over the years, and thats what makes us so special.

I'm glad not many people know the real you like me, because then they might love you as much as I do. Being with you just seems so right, even though no one else thinks so. I love you with all my heart but I'm so afraid to let you leave. I wish you could love me the way I love you. I'm always thinking about you. I used to gaze over to you every night hoping that I would dream of you. But I guess, for now, dreams are all I have.

I still look back at old days, and look forward to the new ones that will, one day, not confined to an eight by ten cell. But is time really a healer? The more time I spend with you, the more it hurts. Or is this what the healing process is, is it hard, because it is good for me? I think of all the moments we shared, when we lay alone infront of the fire, silence, but still comfortable with each other, when you told me that you loved me, and wouldn't let anyone get to me, and hurt me. I knew full well what you meant by love, but I wanted to cry out that you didn't love me, becuse you didn't know what love was, I did, and I was being suffocated by my feelings for you, and that you weren't protecting me by holding me away, only hurting me more. But I guess you weren't, it's my feelings that are hurting me, falling so deeply in love with you is too much but I can't turn it off.

I go to sleep thinking of you, wake up with you on my mind. I wish so much so desperately, that I might wake up with you there, but I never will. I want to see the sun rise on your face. I remember everyhting, all the crazy things, all our history is just so big and makes you harder to let go of, you have so much of me with you and I so much of you. I cherish your touch, when you took care of me if I was hurt; your hands on me, around me. Like when I broke down, and your shirt was there and ...well...I stripped and slipped on your shirt, surrounded myself with you, and felt that irresistble safetly you supply. Like when you slipped into bed with me the other morning. I'm so excited just by you touching my hair, stroking my face, or kissing my cheek. I can still feel your hands around me, I can summon your scent whenever I need to. I know I need to move on, but how do I move on from you? You're my best friend. I have to stay at your side, and you must stay by mine or else my heart might stop beating - because it only beats for you. Every beat holds a thought about you.

I know I want too much from you. Is the way to go on to stop needing and wanting you? Or to continue, and learn how to deal with it? I think the second, because I've learn that I can't change my feelings by running away. Nothing will pull you as near to me as I need you.

So we're friends. Ok then. But it hurts so bad inside. It's amazing - but so painful. I am so scared of losing you, my feeling will definately scare you and send you running. Yet I'd rather keep you by my side than tell you the truth and lose you forever, like I almost did once.

These are the things I mean. How did you manage to forgive me for that? I mean, I probably did the worse thing to you that anyone has ever done, how do you forgive me? We've been put through some stuff on this island that most people will never have to deal with, and we need to pull through at stay together. I used to want to tell people all this, to prove what we have is so complicated and so real, but I don't need to. Keeping it between us is ever more special.

These feeling are so strong, not telling you is wrong. So I will take this breath, and tell you all of my love. I will tell you that it's you that I'm always thinking of; but can I? I don't think so, you might push me away, freak out, it's not like there's a chance anyway, I look at you with hopeless years in my eyes these days. How can you be so perfect - and yet still make me cry?

Please, will you be mine? That's what I feel, and is all I need you to say back but you won't. I understand. It's Ok. I get it. There's nothing to do...but I'm so deep down, and nobody can pull me out because nobody knows where I am.

You'll never know, I can tell. I've learned to hide my feelings but inside my heart beats fast when it hears your name. You've got someone here who holds your heart, but to say anything would be stupid. My love for you will never change. I sleep alone, but not in vaine, and each night I hold my secret love for you. You'll always be my love.

Maybe it's a treasure if it is a secret, and I don't have to share it with anyone, or have it spoilt. My heart beaks, but at least I can't blame you for it if you never know, so I have forced myself to go on as normal, which must be the way to get over you. Because I never want to have to blame you for anything.

You seem to be an angel, or someone else sent from above. You changed my life, and influenced my way of thinking. You touched my heart, and helped me rebuilt and shape my soul. You mean more than the world to me. For you, I would take a punch, a bullet, my life. I fear the day when we are separated, which I know will come. But you hope this day will never come, you told me before. I hope that you will last forever, and I'm hoping that he will stick around, because I think I may need you to survive. Your touch has indented my heart, and your words are imprinted on my soul. Your smile is mine, and my eyes were made for looking into yours. I hope that everything keeps us together.

When I'm with you, I feel like a top, spinning around continuously in happiness. When I'm in your arms, I feel like there is nothing that can get to me. I feel safe. I feel needed. I feel loved. And I am safe, and needed, but only loved enough the perfect amount for a friend.


End file.
